


control, or rather, the loss of it

by rainydayscribbles



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: A good amount of fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, ben is a former frat boy, devi deals with her feelings, devi deals with her trauma, devi pining for ben, good old fashioned tension, overworked wall street employees, so he is a pain in devis ass, somewhat of a slow burn, they like each other but keep pushing it inside
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:42:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24754162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainydayscribbles/pseuds/rainydayscribbles
Summary: Devi Vishwakumar liked being in control.
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 50
Kudos: 168





	1. the california account

**Author's Note:**

> hello :) okay so this is my first ever fanfic i've written. i love this couple sm they are the cutest and i wanted to get up off my lazy ass and write a story about them for an idea i've had for a while now. this will be multi-chapter and lots of emotional tension. they are wall street employees who have to travel together but ofc ~feels~ get involved. please please let me know what you think as i am very nervous posting this!!!

Devi Vishwakumar liked being in control. 

That’s why this morning, and every other morning, she breezed through the doors of Astoria Coffee at opening time, 7 am, determined to pick up her breakfast. 

The owner, a 70-year-old woman named Destiny Sharp, looked up from rolling out dough, and smiled at her. 

“Hello, Devi! The usual?” chirped Mrs. Sharp as she washed her hands and dried them quickly. 

“Good morning, Mrs. Sharp. And yes, please,” she replied, notably less enthusiastically than Mrs. Sharp, but perking up as the smell of roasted coffee beans drifted into her veins slowly.

Mrs. Sharp, still smiling, gave her a quick once-over, and said warmly: “You look beautiful today, baby.” 

Devi smiled back and thanked her, blushing. 

While Mrs. Sharp set about making Devi her white chocolate mocha and chocolate croissant (she liked chocolate way more than was probably even _remotely_ healthy), Devi couldn’t help but think about her dad and the way he would always tell her she was beautiful, comforting her in the only way he knew how to. Granted, she was much closer now to her mom than back in high school, and even though Nalini played the tough, “no-nonsense” mom well when Devi was younger, Devi had grown up and Nalini had also grown out of constantly berating and criticizing Devi. _No,_ her mom was great. She was kind and sweet and strong. She just couldn’t replace Mohan. No one ever would.

After her dad’s death and her episode in Malibu, she spent long, anxiety-inducing sessions with Dr. Ryan, trying to comb through her feelings and come to terms with them. _All_ of them. While she worked through her emotions regarding her dad, choosing to move on with her life but take him with her (she wore a necklace he had given her when she was 10 every day), she never spoke to Dr. Ryan about the other events that had transpired that day. However, every time Dr. Ryan brought up Ben, Malibu, her staying with him, or any of the many possible situations her feelings towards a certain Ben Gross were concerned, she shut down faster than she thought possible. Her reason for Dr. Ryan was that she felt nothing when he kissed her, that it was just one of the stupid mistakes all teenagers make, that she wanted the teenage experience “Tongue Tied” by Grouplove had promised her, and she had made a split-second decision in kissing him. 

She didn’t tell Dr. Ryan that now, at 25 years old, that kiss had been the best kiss of her life. She didn’t tell Dr. Ryan that helped her find a shred of truth in the romance books she hid under her pillow and read when she was younger after Nalini had gone to sleep, that described the girl “bursting in flames and being reborn” when her lips touched the boy’s. She didn’t even want to admit it to herself that Ben Gross made her feel things she didn’t know how to properly define.

The truth was she enjoyed maintaining a certain amount of control after high school, in all facets of her life. Ben Gross _wrecked_ her control. He laughed in the face of her control. He smirked and made her control dissolve into thin air. He smiled and her control exploded into a thousand different pieces. And she _hated_ him for it. He had been breaking down her walls since Malibu and seemed as though he never wanted to stop as long as they lived.

After high school, Ben and Devi both attended Princeton, where he double majored in Finance and Entrepreneurship, and she had double majored in Finance and Environmental Science. Their dynamic throughout college remained much the same as high school. Since they both shared a major, their competitive streak continued in college, but after their kiss in Malibu, neither could bring themselves to hate the other. Or even really _dislike_ the other. They fell into an easygoing, banter-filled friendship, consisting of late-night runs to get Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream, binging the funniest episodes of “New Girl” (Devi tried not to think about how similar to Nick and Jess her and Ben were) and working on their Finance projects during many late nights in Ben’s apartment. They both had separate love lives in college, Devi dating three different guys in four years, believing each one was going to be the love of her life (she dated for marriage, okay?) and even briefly dating a girl during a point in her junior year where she had a breakdown about her sexuality. Ben hooked up with different girls almost every weekend, deciding to live the no-strings college frat boy life to the fullest (Beta Alpha Pi, a “brotherhood for _life_ ”, he always told Devi). 

There were times, Devi thought, Ben might have wanted to make her one of those girls. When she was reaching for her cereal on top of her fridge, standing up on her tiptoes, and he stepped up to her back, holding her in place with his hand on her hip, pushing his front flush against her back, and grabbed the cereal for her. When he took her to a fraternity formal once and she borrowed a dress from a friend last minute which ended up being a size too small for her, and she saw the way he unabashedly stared at her body, pausing for a second too long on her chest. When he knocked on her door one night at 2 am and she had to answer the door in her Princeton Young Democrats t-shirt and basically nothing else, and she watched his eyes darken and his fist tighten at his side.

Before Devi can remind herself that that was college and this is real life, she hears the _thud_ of a coffee cup being placed in front of her. She glances up and shakes her head slightly to dispel her thoughts. Smiling once again at Mrs. Sharp in gracious thanks, she grabs her breakfast, pays, and runs out the door back in the New York cold. 

Devi darts across streets and walks in the line of people that were all heading towards work. She loved the _rush_ of New York, the fast-moving nature of the city, the excitement simply going to work brought her. She turned and dashed up the steps and stared at the title on the building: Morgan Stanley. 

_God_ , she couldn’t believe she was working on Wall Street.

* * *

She entered the building and watched the elevator doors closing right as her head turned. As she rushed towards them, they opened, and she ran inside, ready to thank whoever she needed to. 

“Was so close to leaving you, but you running like a lost puppy who finally found her mom just did it for me.” 

As she turned, she was met with the smirking face of none other than Ben Gross. 

“Gross. Of course it’s you. Here, hold this,” Devi gratefully pushes her breakfast towards him and he accepts, still smirking. 

While she fixes her outfit which got rumpled with all her frantic running, Ben takes a bite of her croissant. Today, she’s wearing a low-cut, red tank top, tucked into her tightest black A-line skirt. She was wearing a black blazer on top of it and her favorite black pencil heels. She bends over to fix the strap of her heel and has a distinct feeling that Ben is staring at her ass. She looks up at him and he smiles deviously. 

“I have news for you, David,” he says while taking another bite of her croissant. 

“It better be good, Gross. And stop fucking eating my breakfast. I need my energy for the day.” 

The elevator doors slide open and he waits for her to walk through, still holding onto her food. She walks out and turns left, her heels clicking on the tile floor leading to her office. He catches up to her easily, taking another bite of her croissant. 

“So you know the California account you wanted? The one with nonhydroelectric power sources in SoCal?” 

Of course, Devi knew about the account. California was doing a great job in terms of keeping its carbon emissions down despite having such a large population. She wanted the account because it had the ability to set the tone for the rest of the United States. If she could finalize California’s plans for the next 20 years, she could convince other big states, like Texas and New York, to follow in line. Her work in Sustainable Investing required a lot more cunning than it seemed like it would, mainly because she was working with old, pot-bellied white men (older Bens, basically), who were closer to leaving the Earth than entering it. 

“Yeah, and what about it? Isn’t Thomas announcing who got it today?” Devi asked as she watched Ben throw away her croissant wrapper. _That son of a bitch_ , she thought to herself. He ate her croissant everyday and she was getting very tired of having nothing but coffee for breakfast. 

“You know the account requires travel to L.A., a one-week stay in a 5-star hotel complete with spa and sauna benefits, socials with Morgan Stanley’s West Partners, and unlimited _alcohol_ ,” Ben turned to look at her and mimicked chugging shots. 

Devi knew the benefits which came with the account. And while she was 100% into the account for the good it could do for the energy industry, she knew how well a firm as big as Morgan Stanley could spoil their employees. And she wouldn’t be lying if she said she didn’t want to be spoiled. After working constant 60 hour weeks in a desperate race to get ahead of her colleagues and make herself noticed as a young, Indian-American woman in a firm dominated by Trump look-alikes, she was tired. What didn’t help was the fact that she never had time to seek out a remotely attractive man for some much-needed stress relief. Most days, she got home and just collapsed on her couch from exhaustion. 

“Well, Thomas told me who got the account yesterday,” he said, smiling winningly at her. 

Devi stopped in her tracks and turned to gape at Ben. 

" _What?_ He did? Who got it?” 

“I did,” he replied easily, handing her the coffee.

Devi saw _red_ , mainly because this was the account she wanted since she first joined the firm, over a year ago. She was pissed, _so_ infuriated with Thomas for giving away the fruit of her hard work to none other than fucking _Ben Gross_. Ben Gross, who wandered around the office drinking coffee and flirting with the three other women who worked there. Ben Gross, who went golfing with her older coworkers to talk investments and money. Ben Gross, who somehow managed to finish his work by lunchtime and bother her for the rest of the day. Ben Gross, who didn’t deserve _her_ account that everyone in the office knew was hers from the time she step foot onto the stairs of Morgan Stanley. 

As Ben watched her brain short-circuit, he stepped forward and placed a finger on her mouth. 

“Don’t worry, princess. You got it too.” 

_God_ , she couldn’t believe she worked in the same office as Ben Gross. 


	2. wealth management, pizza, and beer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys :) i just wanted to make y'all aware that this chapter and the upcoming ones WILL include pining and emotional turmoil on devi's part. i've seen a lot of ben pining in this fandom and I rlly enjoyed the pining from devi's side that i read so that's what i wanted to try to write. i am kinda unsure of this chapter so let me know what y'all think thank you and enjoy!1!1!

Devi strode purposefully into the office of Greg Thomas, her boss. He had set her up a meeting at 3 pm the same day, and she was maybe a few minutes early, but she was frustrated and felt that gave her reason enough to arrive whenever she wanted.

Thomas' office was huge, as was his ego, and Devi had hated him from the moment he had hired her. He was one of the sleazy, old Wall Street men she always complained about, to anyone and everyone, and she _firmly_ believed he deserved the hate. He was the type of boss to never actually do the work, rather reap the benefits of his hard-working employees. Most of the employees in her specific office (Sustainable Investing) were a lot younger and more diverse than typical Wall Street stereotypes, perhaps due to the nature of the work. So, while Devi worked her ass off putting in the time to beat her competitive colleagues for even a sliver of recognition from her boss, Thomas lazed about discussing golf with the other men in the firm, flirting with his receptionist, and in general, doing absolutely nothing.

It certainly didn't help his case that he raked his eyes over Devi every time he saw her.

However, Devi put up with the occasional harassment from her boss in the interest of her work. She loved working with companies and her colleagues to formulate investment strategies to decrease fossil fuel emissions, improve sustainability, and save Mother Earth. The cause was very important to her, and so was the work. Plus, she was a strong, modern woman who stood up for herself when she needed to, and if his words were ever too much to her to take, she knew she would take appropriate action.

"Vishwakumar," he drawled, as he blatantly stared at her breasts in her low-cut top. "Come in, I just wanted to have a talk with you and Gross about L.A."

Devi looked to her right to see two chairs in front of Thomas' desk, and none other than Ben Gross occupying one of them. He smiled at her, a little hesitantly, sensing her discomfort with their boss. She gingerly sat down next to him.

"Here are all the details for your trip, including the itinerary, your hotel information, and your proposal plans," Thomas continues, handing them both a binder. "You leave next Monday, so take this weekend to pack your things. This is all I'm giving you. You're both smart, young, and motivated, so I trust you have the rest figured out?"

Ben and Devi glanced at each other, back at their boss, and nodded. They had done enough group projects together in high school to know the way the other's brain operated. If the times Mr. Shapiro forcibly placed them together, tired of their endless banter, weren't enough, they worked on virtually every Finance project in college together, editing and reediting each other's words, comparing them to their own, and researching for each other. The California account, although arguably one of the most important of their careers, wasn't something they couldn't handle.

Their boss nodded back at them and they both took it as a sign to leave as they simultaneously stood. Devi immediately began ruffling through the pages of her assigned binder, already planning out in her head what she was going to say and how to best execute her plans. Ben engaged in conversation with their about hotels and bars and the best drinks and Devi slowly tuned out their conversation until she heard Thomas say in a low tone:

"Gross, I have to tell you I'm jealous of you right now. A week in L.A. with Devi? I know there's a whole company policy on inter-colleague relations, but if I were you-"

Devi looked up and saw red for the _second_ time during the day, but her field of vision was disrupted in a split second by black. She looked up to see a mess of brown curls and realized Ben was standing in front of her. She furiously pushed her way to his side and he glared at her. Devi had never seen Ben's eyes so angry, filled with anger and determination, and something else she couldn't quite place. She was about to open her mouth to tell her boss off when Ben beat her to it.

"Greg," Ben seethed, as he leaned over their boss's desk. "You better shut the fuck up right now before I break your nose in half. Devi wanted this account a lot more than me and she _deserves_ more than anyone to get to go to California and present her, I'm sure, _amazing_ ideas. I am more than honored to go with her and support her." With that, he grabbed Devi's hand and pulled her out of Thomas' office.

Back in the hallway, he released her and kept walking, muttering what sounded like obscenities to himself. Devi ran after him, upset and startled by their altercation with their boss and confused by what had just happened.

"Gross. Gross! Ben!" she called, but he didn't stop his determined and long stride.

Finally, she caught up to him and pulled his forearm to get him to face her.

"What the hell was that Ben?" she panted, partially mad because she didn't need him to stand up for her, _goddamnit_ , but also mad that he looked perfectly stoic as if what happened inside hadn't bothered him in the slightest.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, you're going to _have_ to because you're not 7 years old. Why did you say that to Thomas? He pisses me off a ton, believe me, but I know how to handle myself. I don't need you to be"-

"I don't like it when people say those things about you," Ben said quietly, looking down at the ground.

"I know, I don't either, but I always deal with it. I can report it to HR"-

"Reporting it to HR isn't going to do anything, Devi! He always says that shit to you and it pisses me off," Ben shifts to look at her, forcefully. She peers into the depths of his eyes, and while she finds anger there, that's not what she's looking for.

She's looking for something deeper, something _more_ , a sign that he defended her because she feels something for her that she doesn't even know if she wants him to feel for her.

But she doesn't find it.

Instead, she smiles and tries to exude a sense of calm for Ben's sake.

"I know, but hey, if we kill this California deal we can move into a different department? Maybe Wealth Management? And then we won't have to deal with Thomas anymore."

Ben looks unhappy with her proposal, but after she keeps intently smiling at him, trying to will the calm from her head to his, he relents and breaks into a small smile.

"You hate Wealth Management, David. "

* * *

Later, as Devi stuffs pajamas, dresses, and skirts into her suitcase, she thinks about her feelings about Ben. She knew since Malibu that Ben was special, and from all those times in college that he was an amazing friend. _That's the issue_ , she thought, as she carefully placed her bras into her suitcase. He's a friend, and he cares about her a ton, in a friendly way. He wants to eat her breakfast and defend her from people because he's her friend. Plus she's not stupid, she's seen the girls he flirts with in the office. Blonde, perfect hourglass figures, confident. _She's not one of them_ , she reminds herself, and for some reason, it hurts a thousand times more than any stupid sleazy comments her boss could make. She just wish she could figure out why it hurt so much.

She keeps packing, throwing things into her suitcase until she finally finishes, and flops onto her bed, face down.

Stupid Ben Gross, always making her question things.

* * *

Devi arrives at the Newark airport on Monday at 10 in the morning for her 2 pm flight. After getting through airport security, ( _rather quickly for someone of her skin color_ , she thinks to herself) she boards her flight and shoots off a quick text to Ben.

_Just boarded. Don't miss your flight. See you in LA :) 1:43 pm_

They had different flights to L.A., so Devi thanks the Gods for allowing her to dodge the experience of early morning Ben (there's something about his tired eyes and messy hair that makes her feel oddly _warm_ all over) and puts in her headphones to distract her running thoughts.

The opening technopop rhythms of Gooey by Glass Animals fill her ears, and she closes her eyes.

Devi wakes up right before landing, not remembering when she fell asleep, and quickly fixes her hair using her phone camera. After they land, she catches a Uber to the Four Seasons she and Ben are staying in. As soon as she is shown to her room, she unpacks everything she can and showers, trying to be efficient as her stomach rumbles with hunger. She wanted to just ditch her clothes and run to the nearest fast food place, but she _was_ Nalini's daughter and her mother would be disappointed if she found out Devi didn't unpack first thing after cross-country travel. She changes into a simple pair of jeans and a top, determined to go out and get some dinner. She is doing her makeup when her phone dings, shining with texts from Ben.

_Boarding now 2:18 pm_

_At the hotel, where are you? 7:34 pm_

_Open your door, I have food. 8:14 pm_

Devi squints at her phone and rushes to her door, opening it. Ben stands there with a triumphant grin on his face, dressed in one of his college frat shirts and grey sweatpants, holding a pizza in one hand and a 6 pack of Budweiser in the other, which makes her feel as if she's back in college again. There's something about Ben that always makes her feel younger than she actually is, more inexperienced than she actually is, because no matter how good at something she can get, she can never get good at _Ben,_ and sometimes she thinks that's the only thing she wants to be good at.

"Pizza and beer, Ben? Really? What are we, broke college kids?" she quips, knowing she doesn't really care what he brings her because she's starving. He knows it too but pretends to look sad anyway.

"Hey! This is pineapple and jalapeño pizza, your favorite. You should be grateful I agreed to eat spices for you after craving a grilled cheese and waffle fries for _literally_ the whole plane ride."

"Jalapeños are _not_ spices, you idiot. Just because something is spicy doesn't make it a spice. And they're not even spicy."

Ben gapes at her with wide eyes. "Jalapeños are _so_ spicy. They make my tongue hurt."

"You're such a pretty white boy. Shut up and hand me the pizza. I'm starving."

Ben smiles mischievously and backs up against her door, holding the pizza box high above his head.

"Not with that attitude. Get it if you want it, David."

Devi is hungry and starting to get angry ( _never a good combination for a woman_ , she thinks) because she just got off a 6 hour plane ride and she loves pineapple jalapeño pizza but her stupid business partner/colleague/college friend/high school enemy/person she has _confusing_ _ass feelings_ for is deciding to be a pain in the ass at the worst time. Normally, she wouldn't mind the silly games he always starts with her, but today, she was just not in the mood.

"I don't want to get it. Stop being a dick and just give it to me."

"No, David. Come on. Just try."

Devi knows she could probably grab the pizza box from his hands if she wanted. He had grown a few inches in college, but it wasn't like he was suddenly LeBron James. She could easily stand on her tiptoes and swipe it from his hands, she thought to herself. But there was something about this whole game that pissed her off and excited her at the same time. They'd been playing it since high school and they would never ( _ever?,_ she asked herself) stop playing it. He made her feel happy doing dumb things like jumping for pizza boxes or racing upstairs, things she wasn't supposed to like anymore. She was 25 years old, _goddamnit_. But she couldn't help herself for giving into Ben Gross every time he asked, and she gave in now too.

"Fine, Gross," she replied simply and strode towards him.

She stopped right in front of his body, not touching her body towards his, but leaning into him just enough so he could feel her body's warmth. Placing her hand on his shoulder for support, Devi pushed herself up on her toes and reached her arm up to grab the pizza. As she looked up, she realized she was still a few inches short, because he'd raised himself onto his toes too. _Fuck_. Okay, so _maybe_ he'd grown more than a few inches during college.

Devi lowered herself back down to her toes and was met with Ben's shit-eating grin. _Fine._ If he wanted to play dirty, so could she.

She shifts slightly to his left so she can whisper in his ear and moves the hand on Ben's shoulder down his chest, lightly raking her nails from his collarbone to the top of his abdomen.

"Ben," she says lowly into his ear while pressing her chest into his to try to feel his heartbeat with her own.

Devi hears him release a quick breath directly into her ear, and she nearly closes her eyes at the sound of it.

Something is telling her that this is a dangerous game she's playing because Ben and Devi haven't done anything _remotely_ not platonic since Malibu. Sure, he compliments her sometimes, and she does the same to him, and they go out of their way for each other every now and then, but a voice in the back of her head warns her she could be screwing up their friendship in the next few seconds. But, she finds herself not really caring. It's not like she's trying to _fuck_ him. Just using her charms to get what she wants. Or at least that's what she tells herself.

She shifts her hand lower, raking her nails over his abs which she can feel faintly through his cotton frat t-shirt. Devi looks up at his face and finds his eyes half-closed, watching her guardedly, but curiously. She spies the pizza box out of the corner of her eye, and he's lowered it a little so he's no longer holding it so high.

Devi tells herself that she is just messing with him, but a part of her _relishes_ this, _craves_ this even. She loves being this close to Ben, hearing his heartbeat, drowning in the feel of his body against hers, because it feels _good_. Being pressed up against Ben makes her have to work harder to breathe evenly and she loves it. She tries not to spiral about what that might mean. God, she's supposed to be messing him up, so why is she messing _herself_ up in the process?

She glances at his face, tracing his eyebrows, nose, and lips with her eyes, wondering what he'd do if she traced them with her hands. Looking at him is making this feel too real, so she looks back down at her hand. She closes her eyes and utters a silent prayer before she shifts her hand lower so that her fingers are touching the waistband of his sweatpants.

Devi hears him gulp, then swallow, and the movement jerks her head back up. She catches the motion of his Adam's apple and is so very tempted to cover it with her mouth. The thought builds something deep within her core as she thinks about the multitude of noises the action could rip from his lips. His eyes are fully closed now and he is holding the pizza box by his side. She stares at him for a few more seconds, wishing she could go further with him. Wishing for a sign that she can move her hand lower, _desperately_ wanting to hear the sound he makes when she does.

But she can't bring herself to do it. 

So, she moves her right hand to grab the box carefully and lightly. She leans forward, so close that her eyelashes are fluttering on the side of his cheek.

"Thanks for the pizza," she whispers. With that, she grabs it out of his hand and runs into her bathroom. Devi collapses on the ground, breathing hard. Her hunger is gone, but it's replaced with something she doesn't know how to describe, which seems to be the increasingly common emotion she experiences regarding Ben Gross.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading :) leave a comment to make me smile


	3. heels and salsa dancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo all! i wrote this chapter along with chapter 2 yesterday, and it has been by far my fav chapter to write so far. i love the tension between the two so much and it was so fun to write. i hope yall like reading it as much as i liked writing it, enjoy :))
> 
> ps the scene at the end is inspired by the salsa scene from "the ugly truth" ;)

Devi sits in the hotel restaurant at 7 am the next day, sipping her coffee and looking over her binder. Not the one Thomas gave her, but one she put together specifically for this trip, filled with her own notes and proposals. Today was Tuesday, and they were flying back on Friday, so she really had only three more days with Ben. Before she let the thought sadden her, she shook her head, thinking about how this wasn't a personal trip for her to experience L.A. with Ben. She was on a _work_ trip. Whatever happened last night could _not_ be repeated, no matter how _badly_ she wants to experience whatever dam of emotions she just opened with Ben.

"Vishwakumar. Up bright and early I see."

She jerks her head up to find Ben smirking at her. Despite his snarky comment, he looks ready for the day as well. He's dressed in a black suit and white button-down, with the first few buttons unbuttoned, showcasing a gold chain with the Star of David hanging in the center, resting in the middle of his chest. She tries not to think about how good his necklace looked ( _why had she never noticed it before?,_ she asks herself) and how she had a weakness for boys in jewelry. One of the guys she had dated in college had always worn necklaces and she was sure it was one of the biggest reasons she felt attracted to him. It was just something about the vibe it exuded. Like the _I'll fuck you while my necklace dangles in your face_ vibe.

Devi brought her attention back to Ben and ruled that he looked absolutely _way_ too good for 7 in the morning. She had tried to look presentable as well, spending both Saturday and Sunday making runs to the shopping mall and various clothing stores, trying to find the _perfect_ outfits for the upcoming week. Today, she was wearing a tight, maroon-red dress with a navy blazer, paired with strappy, nude heels. When she had left her hotel room, she had been proud of how her dress accentuated her slim waist and wider hips. Now, she just felt stupid for trying to compete with the level of attractiveness Ben casually exuded.

She blinked a few times, trying to dispel her thoughts, and realized she still hadn't given him a response. "Hey. I'm just looking over our itinerary for the week."

Ben's face changed from one of nonchalant happiness to one of concentration as he sat down. "Hit me, then. What's our week looking like?"

"Well, we have our Proposal Meeting at 11 today and that should take the majority of the day," she replied, pausing momentarily to glare at him as he took a sip of her coffee. _Jesus_ , why couldn't the man buy something of his own for once? Granted, the coffee here wasn't as good as Mrs. Sharp's back in New York, but he had the money. Not only from his ultra-rich parents but from his literal Wall Street level job that he did with ease. Ben smiled sweetly at her, clearly unfazed by her glare or angry internal monologue.

Devi sighed, then continued. "Then we have a little break before we meet with Morgan Stanley West heads at 8 pm for a social at a place called the Avalon Nightclub," she squints at the paper.

"Ooooooo, definitely sounds like the more fun part of the day. What else, what about Wednesday?"

"Well, on Wednesday we only have the Investment Banking proposal in the morning," Devi replies.

"We love free days. What do you wanna do then, after we're done? Go back to Sherman Oaks and ask Mr. Shapiro if he remembers us?"

Devi glances up at Ben, who is still drinking her coffee and searches his face to see if he's kidding. To be honest, she was planning on visiting her mother. She hadn't told Nalini she was coming to L.A., thinking it would be a nice surprise since she had just seen her last Christmas, about 2 months ago. She wasn't sure if Nalini would want Ben to come, but he was her only other colleague and they were in L.A. for work where literally every _minute_ of their trip was planned, not to mention her friend from high school, so she told him anyway.

"I was actually, um, planning on surprising my mom."

"Oh my god. That's gonna be so fun. But surprising Nalini without me? Come on. You know she loves me," Ben says, amused, taking another sip of her coffee.

Devi knew this was true. After Malibu, Nalini had been very grateful to Ben for "putting some sense into Devi's head" and driving over two hours so she could spread her dad's ashes. Then, in college, whenever she came home for breaks, Ben would too. And because his parents continued to dash off to meditation retreats and work trips with successful clients, he spent most of their winter and summer breaks at her house, trying and failing to learn Indian cooking with Nalini and laughing at baby pictures of Devi with Kamala. Nalini and Kamala both grew fond of Ben over time (Devi had a feeling they both were certain something was going on between Devi and Ben). Ugh, who was Devi kidding? Of course, she had to bring Ben with her.

"Argh, fine you can come too. But if she kicks you out due to your inability to eat whatever spicy Indian dish she makes for lunch, that is not my fault."

Ben just smiles at her and hands her back an empty coffee cup.

* * *

The rest of the day goes smoothly. At their proposal, they work in tandem with each other, bouncing off of the other's talking points and sensing when the other is blanking on the right thing to say. Devi is still a little surprised at how well they pulled the whole thing off, considering they were supposed to do a run-through yesterday night over pizza and well…… didn't end up doing it, to keep it simple. 

Devi is getting ready for their social at the Avalon Nightclub, fixing her hair, while she reflects briefly on how it sounds like Avonlea, the town that Anne and Gilbert from Anne of Green Gables-one of her favorite childhood books-grow up in. Glaring at her reflection, she curses the universe for sending her a reminder of yet another couple with a dynamic similar to her and Ben's. She frets about what to wear for a while longer while simply deciding to ditch the blazer from the day and keep the rest of her outfit the same, and instead focus on redoing her makeup. She is just finishing reapplying her mascara when she hears a knock on her door.

Devi opens the door to reveal a relaxed-looking Ben, who looks great in his button-down _(did he unbutton more buttons?? how is this appropriate, they literally work in a bank, s_ he thinks to herself) and slacks from earlier, although he still has his blazer on, which is making her reconsider her decision to take it off.

"Hey David. You almost ready? We have to leave soon," Ben says cheerily, as he looks her up and down and grins at her outfit, making her feel all of 16 years old once again.

Devi realizes how foolish she must look like right now, with her mascara wand in one hand and no shoes on, but she forces her gaze onto his face and tries to regain some of her emotional control of the situation.

"Yeah, gimme a sec. Come in for five? I just have to finish this," she says and she waves her mascara wand in the air dumbly.

Ben chuckles to himself and steps into her room, walking across it quickly to sit on the edge of her bed, while she moves to stand in front of him, using the wall mirror to fix her makeup.

"So, I'm really proud of us. We did good today."

"Mhmmm," Devi replies absentmindedly.

"I mean, I definitely explained the effect of carbon emissions on SoCal better than you though."

"There's no way you did," Devi quips, joyfully, capping her mascara and rummaging through her makeup bag for her lipstick. "I was the one who spoke about the comparison between the Eastern and Western United States in terms of modern-day fossil fuels." She found her lipstick and began applying it in the mirror.

"You might've, David, but if I hadn't related it back to the lead California had over the _entire_ country, they never would've signed the deal," Ben says proudly, making sure to catch her eye in her mirror. Devi smiles, because she knows the extensive amount of work she did on researching and rereading the details of the California account is what got them the deal, not any of the charismatic discussion Ben claimed to have done, and Ben smiles back, knowing the exact same thing.

Devi is not sure if it's the fact that they are in her hotel room or the fact that he's sitting on her bed, but the way they spar with each other feels intimate to Devi. Now, unlike high school, it feels less angry and more _comfortable_ , like if they could do this for days, months, or even years. Their dynamic makes Devi feel as though she is the ocean's waves and Ben is the moon, and she rushes towards him when she feels his pull, only to back away because it is too strong. And she realizes _that's_ what is unfortunate, the fact that Ben is too strong. That it's been seven years since high school, and four since college, and even though Ben and Devi are both single right now, trying something with Ben feels so _heavy_. So much bigger than a random hookup in a greasy bar bathroom or a first date where nothing clicks, feeling and looking for something more. _No_ , with Ben, it feels heavy and right, as if it was meant to be all along. And as Devi stares at Ben, she realizes she is tired of trying to find _more_ somewhere else when it was in front of her all along.

"You going to keep staring at me looking lost or are we going to finally leave?"

Devi feels as though a bucket of cold water has been dumped on her head and she visibly shakes herself, trying to reclaim composure. She could think about the implication of her newfound revelation later, but right now, she really needed to keep it together till they got back to New York.

"Yes, of course," she says. "Let me just put my heels on." She turns around and walks away from Ben, trying to put distance between them so she can breathe. Because whenever she is around him, she feels as though he steals the oxygen from her lungs. She is looking in her closet when she hears him say:

"You mean these heels?"

Devi turns around to see Ben holding up her heels from the morning, tossed behind her bed in her hurry to take a nap between her busy day and what would probably be a busy night.

"Yes, those, _thank_ _god_. Just hand them to me and I can put them on," Devi says while sighing in relief and walking across her room.

"No way, princess. You have already spent-," he pauses to check his watch, "-15 minutes getting ready and I know you take forever to put on heels. Just sit down and I'll put them on for you."

Devi nearly trips over herself, because it sounds so much like what a boyfriend would do for a girlfriend, or a husband would do for a wife. And she is just coming to terms with her feelings and what they mean, and this feels too soon, _way_ too soon, to do anything remotely romantic. _Especially_ not with Ben. She opens her mouth to respond, but Ben is glaring at her, annoyance clearly visible on his face, and she closes it.

Devi internally feels like she could definitely just put her shoes on herself. And yeah, they might be late to the club, but she doesn't see the issue with being a little late. She is Indian after all, and brown people show up _everywhere_ late. And this was a social, after all, not a proposal like the one this morning. It was _meant_ for people to show up whenever they wanted and leave whenever they wanted. She felt very strongly about this, and when she tells Ben, he just points at her bed and she knew there wasn't really a point in fighting anymore.

"Do you even know _how_ to put on heels?" she feebly questioned as she sat down on the edge of her bed. She watched him undo the straps of her heels so he could redo them when they were on her foot before he responded.

"Yes, David," Ben says impatiently, as he gets on a knee to get closer to her feet. "Every man knows how to. They're really not that complicated."

Devi really doubted that _every_ man knew how to put on heels, but her train of thought gets cut off by Ben's hand on her foot. She looks down, and he is guiding her foot into her heel with such extreme gentleness that she stares dumbly at his hands, not knowing where else to look. As he leans between her legs to adjust her ankle strap, she realizes just how short her dress is and where his head is. She tries not to think about it too much but prays, _prays_ , to whatever God wants to listen to her (she doesn't even care if it isn't one of the many Hindu Gods) that he doesn't look up at this moment.

He finishes adjusting the strap and backs up a little, looking up at her face. "This okay?" he asks, referring to the tightness of the strap, and she doesn't know if her voice will function well enough to give him a verbal response, so she just nods.

He moves onto her other heel, finishing it quickly and stands up, brushing dust off his pants. He offers a hand to Devi, and she takes it, trying not to think about how her heart feels extremely tight.

* * *

Arriving at the social, Devi quickly realizes it was not what she had expected. The Avalon consisted of a large room, with a bar on the right and elevated private booths off to the left. The majority of the night club was made up of a dance floor in the middle. As Devi looked around, she saw Mexican sombreros, pinatas, vibrant murals, and a disco ball that illuminated the club with red, green, and pink. Above all, hearing the unmistakable sound of salsa music made her want to turn around and walk back out, to check if they had the right place.

She feels a hand on the small of her back, and whips her head back around, tensing, then relaxing when she realizes it was Ben.

"Sorry about this-," he speaks loudly over the sound of the music, gesturing to his hand, "-but it's loud and there are tons of people and I want to make sure you don't get lost. You're kinda small."

Devi glares at Ben, but doesn't speak because she would have to shout to be heard over the music, and she was still trying to remember to breathe as Ben's hand was _huge,_ and covered so much of her back it felt like his hand was touching more places than it probably was.

They both caught the eyes of their Morgan Stanley West heads at the same time, both old white men in suits with kind smiles. Devi could immediately tell they were a lot nicer than the people she worked with at her firm back in New York, despite the fact that they had chosen to meet Ben and Devi at a nightclub that all but _screamed_ cultural appropriation. The men introduced themselves to Devi and Ben as Matt and Tim ( _or maybe it was Mark and Tom,_ she tries to remember) and while Ben falls into easy conversation with them, Devi keeps trying to regain her composure. Because Ben's hand had _not_ moved from her back, and if anything, his touch feels firmer and more possessive and makes it very difficult for her to think of something useful to contribute to the conversation.

Thankfully, they found their seats in one of the more private booths quickly, with the men shrugging off their blazers as they sat down. Matt and Tim (she figured out once they asked her to repronounce her name and she asked them the same of them, acting like it was a joke but 100% wishing they would oblige, which they did thankfully) were nice enough to order Ben and Devi's preferred drinks beforehand. Devi smiled as they placed a Pink Señorita in front of her, and looked over at Ben as he picked up his Old Fashioned.

Devi had learned over the years that drinks a guy ordered mattered to her. She figured it was the type of thing that Mohan would have taught her had he been alive, but he wasn't, and she knew it left it up to her to figure out. Devi had been to her fair share of bars over the years and met her fair share of men at said bars, and she always saw a pattern between certain drinks and the men who drank them. Men who drank beer at bars always exuded simple hookup to her, being the most likely to hit on her and the least likely to stay the night at her place. Men who drank any 1 and 1s (rum and coke, vodka soda) were extremely pushy and terrible, self-absorbed lovers. Ben drank an Old Fashioned and enjoyed it, and that told her a lot. He was certain of what he liked and unwavering in his tastes. He was simple yet dynamic at the same time. The steadiness that Devi saw in Ben, from childhood to adulthood, was something that had never changed like he was a buoy in the storm of her life.

So, when she sees Ben holding his drink loosely but confidently in his left hand, with his right hand strewn over the back of the booth, a few inches from her shoulders, she has to admit he looks _hot._ It doesn't help that the booth is so small her thigh is pressed against his and every time she turns her head she's met with his jawline, prominent and strong. She's never seen him so relaxed yet so charismatic and it vexes her, forcing her to deal with all of the years-long repressed emotions that come hurtling towards her all at once.

She turns back to her drink and takes a huge sip.

* * *

The rest of the night passes quickly, with Devi managing to engage in the conversation between three white men far better than she thought she would, drawing on her charisma and confidence. Ben wasn't the only one who could be charismatic, she scoffed to herself, but she knew the copious amounts of alcohol she had consumed had helped her job more than she liked to admit.

Matt and Tim stand to say their goodbyes and Devi and Ben shake their hands politely. Devi looks down at their table and her four finished margaritas, and curses to herself for not being more aware of how much she was drinking. As soon as the men leave, Ben turns to Devi, his eyes on her, shining with a mission. Devi groans internally because she knows what he's about to ask her right before he does.

"Let's dance."

 _Damn_ , he could have at least phrased it as a question. She looks out at the crowd of people, couples laughing while pushing and pulling away from each other. While the dance floor looked innocent enough from here, she wasn't stupid. She knew salsa was _nothing_ like dancing with El and Fab in the club or at a party. Salsa was sensual, passionate, and emotion-driven. It was fast and slow, rough and soft, challenging and easy. Salsa was _man_ and _woman_ and bodies flush against each other, and Devi couldn't do that today. _Especially_ not with Ben Gross, out of all people. She looks back at him with a determined look.

"Ben, I really can't salsa at all. I'm not doing it. I don't want to."

"Devi, come on. Please? I bet I can salsa better than you," Ben says, pleadingly. Devi wasn't stupid; she knew Ben was trying to rile her up to get her to dance with him. She never wanted to back down from a challenge, especially not one from Ben Gross. And maybe it was the alcohol running through her veins or the countless times she'd been close to his body recently, but the felt the unmistakable pull of Ben Gross. Something in the back of her mind told her she knew why she was giving in to his game, playing it exactly like he wanted her to, but she pushed it away because she was tipsy, and an attractive man asked her to salsa with him, so she was going to salsa with him.

In response, she grabbed his hand and pulled him onto the wood of the dance floor. But any newfound confidence she found now slipped away from her because the sounds of the salsa music in her ears and the flurries of movement all around her were suddenly too much, and she didn't know what to do.

But Ben, sensing her emotions as he always did, slips an arm around her waist, and pulls her flush against him, holding her other hand in his as he expertly maneuvers his waist from side to side. Devi stares at his chest and she tentatively began moving her hips in time with his. His chest is on blatant display with about half of his shirt buttons undone, and Devi (for a brief moment) thinks about _ripping_ the second half off. Instead, she tightens her grip on his bicep and pulls herself even closer to him, relishing the feel of his body against hers, touching hers in all the places she wanted him to.

After finally getting the courage to look at Ben's face, Devi finds a small, fond smile on his lips. As she stares into his eyes, she finds a mix of awe, adoration, and desire. Before she can think about it further, he pushes her away and spins her back into his arms, and while her hair flies off her shoulders, she lands back in Ben's arms and the dynamic changes. Ben had been gentle with her before, but she was done being gentle. She wanted _force_ , she wanted _heat_ , she wanted the _passion_ she knew she had with Ben, buried deep down in both of their bodies. She wanted to bring it up to the surface and release it, let it explode in the way it could between them, climbing into her cells and making her feel like she was on fire.

 _Fuck_ , she liked being in control.

Fixing Ben with a heady look, she turns so that her ass was pressed up against his pants, placing his hands on her waist and holding them there. She _preens_ as he lets out a choked cough into her ear, loving the fact that she can make him feel something similar to the torture he affords her constantly. Devi rolls her hips against his and she feels his hands push hers out of the way and grab her hips himself, landing assertively and making her breath catch. He responds by rolling his hips back, and _fuck_ , Devi likes it way too much, _way_ more than she should.

Devi knew she was screwed from the second Ben asked her to dance, but now she feels certain of it. She knows they are treading the line they haven't touched since Malibu _oh-so-carefully_ , and she doesn't want to make mistakes with Ben, but she reminds herself that it's just Ben. A voice in the back of her head corrects her that it was never _just_ Ben, it was always _Ben_ , and oh _lord_ , she had too much to drink, so she's gonna focus more on dancing and less on thinking.

She slides down his body, still rolling her hips, and he mimics her movements while simultaneously burying his nose in her hair, and if she's not mistaken, she hears a discrete sniff of him smelling it. She smirks to herself and brings her hands up into his hair, fisting it tightly.

Ben groans low into Devi's ear, but before she can get too cocky, he spins her back around, drawing her flush against him once again. This time, she inhales the intoxicating smell of his cologne, which smells like a combination of wood, citrus, and sweat. _It's a pity_ , she thinks to herself, that he smelled so damn good. Strong and masculine and _musky_ , which makes her head spin like a dreidel. 

"David, you know salsa doesn't mean just grinding on each other, right? It has _class_ and _mystique_ ," Ben breathes into her ear, but there's a heavy timbre in his voice which suggests to her that he didn't _not_ enjoy what they just did.

"Wow, Ben. Really? I had no idea. And who taught you how to salsa? Karen Forcano?" Devi retorts although she can't bring herself to insert anger in her tone, still caught up in the masculine scent of _Ben_ which makes her feel like a stupid college sorority girl.

"What makes you think I was taught? Am I just _that_ good?" Ben smirks at her while dragging his nails up the sides of her body, an action that she currently vows should be _illegal_ from now onwards, mad at Ben for how good it makes her feel, mad at the universe for putting her in this situation.

"No way in hell are you good, Gross. But you're just barely keeping up with me and I'm curious to know how many hours of salsa practice your mom made you do just to get to this level."

Ben smiles winningly as he drags his nails up the sides of her breasts and she sharply inhales, still swaying her hips as best she can while he's touching her body with seemingly no boundaries. But she likes it. She _likes_ him touching her without asking for permission ( _although consent is key,_ she reminds herself), there's something about the bold, self-assured way he touches her that makes her feel as though he _knows_ that somewhere deep down, _very_ deep down, all Ben Gross would have to do would be to say the word and she'd relent.

He brings his arms up the side of her neck and fists his hands deep in her hair, forcing her breathing to involuntarily quicken. His fingers are sliding through the roots of her hair, and she can't help herself but audibly groan at how _good_ the sweet combination of pain and pleasure can make her feel.

He suddenly lets go of her hair and grabs her wrists, and it feels so possessive and passionate that she stops dancing for a second, stops moving her hips, because the feel of his fingers on her wrists is sending her heart rate soaring, and she's _sure_ he can feel it on her wrist by the pressure with which he is pressing down. He brings her arms up over her head, holding them up straight in the air, then slowly letting go as she lets them fall (not used to not having his support and realizing just how much she needed it) straight into her hair.

He bends then, lower, as he ghosts his fingertips down her body, from her neck to her side of her breasts to her waist, tantalizingly slow. By the time he's reached her waist, Devi is one touch of his fingers away from losing her mind. She's not even sure if her brain is working, because all she is thinking is _Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben_. He's in her thoughts, in her cells, in her lungs, and she just wants to breathe him in and out.

Then all of a sudden, with no warning, he dips her, brings her back upright, and pulls her against his body once again. The sudden movement makes the blood in Devi's head rush upwards, and if she thought she couldn't think straight before, she _definitely_ couldn't now. Ben dips his head closer to hers, their lips an inch apart, eyes searching hers. She can feel his warm breath against her lips, slow and steady, and she wants to open her mouth and _eat_ it. She wants to erase the distinction between his breath and her breath. Her head is spinning and she can't think straight because Ben is just right _there_ , and he's so close, and she feels like she's about to cross the bridge to heaven. _Jesus_ , she really wants to kiss Ben Gross.

She closes her eyes because her senses are on overdrive right now, smell and touch and sound and sight, and she desperately needs to eliminate one of them before they overtake her brain and make her do something she would definitely regret in the morning. The alcohol makes her feel charged as if Ben was electricity and she was a battery, and he was just running through her every which way. And without him, she would be _nothing_.

"I know I'm good, Devi. And it was Magna Gopal who taught me, actually," he whispers, letting his lips ghost against hers.

When she opens her eyes, he's gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading!! lots of love to y'all <3333


	4. revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, guys. so, um, kinda hating myself rn for writing this fic so quickly. not helping that i'm in the middle of finals so it's very unideal timing for me but it is what it is. gotta do it for these two lovebugs.
> 
> some things to note about this chapter:  
> -devi has changed. obvi, because it's been a while since her dad's death, and while it's never left her, her character here has grown a lot and really come to terms with the best way to handle her emotions. that being said, she still struggles because she's human and humans aren't perfect, but she's not the same teenage devi who runs from everything and blows situations up  
> -if i'm being honest, this fic is taking turns i didn't expect. i don't write fanfics, this is actually my first one, so i didn't do any outlining and just kinda went from my first idea. clearly, i realized that was making my job harder, so i've been planning out the plot better (in my opinion lmao) in the more recent chapters, and see a more clear ending to this story now
> 
> thats all, thank you for reading as always! hope you all enjoy :)

The sunlight streams into her window unforgivingly the next morning and Devi is hit with a feeling of heavy dread as she rolls over and squints at the sun. She reluctantly sits up and fingers her necklace absentmindedly, thinking about the events that transpired last night ( _Ben basically kissed you_ , her brain reminds her), and ones which would potentially transpire today. Ben and Devi had their crucial Investment Banking proposal in a few hours and then they were going to surprise Nalini later in the day. On top of all of that, Devi can't stop thinking about the feel of Ben's body against hers, his possessive touch, and his sweet, hot breath on her face. Somehow scarier than all of this are the thoughts she remembers when doing her makeup in the mirror. What _exactly_ did she want with Ben? Devi closes her eyes and buries her head back in her pillow, not wanting to face the day.

* * *

Ben meets Devi for coffee in the hotel lobby, then relays her plans for their proposal to her as they walk out onto the street to grab the Uber that is already parked for them. Devi lets him talk, glad that he is taking control of this proposal, because she's not the biggest fan of the money management side of things, despite the fact that she works in a literal _bank_. It's not a question of him being smarter than her, obviously, because she is _definitely_ smarter than him, but they both have their strengths and weaknesses. Ben likes the communication and mathematic sides of his job better and Devi likes the scientific and strategic aspects of hers more. Because of this, they work well together, so she steps back and let him take the reins on their Investment Banking proposal, and he had done with her for their main account.

Ben opens the door for her and she steps in carefully, trying not to stain or rumple her white dress. Ben had insisted they match for this proposal ( _"It's all about the presentation to these people, Devi, not what's actually inside"_ ), so she was wearing a white dress with a navy blazer and matching heels, while he was wearing a navy suit in the same shade as her dress.

As their Uber drives away, Devi glances over at Ben, who's looking out his window. They've fallen into a pattern of not mentioning the activities of the night before during the few days they've been here, and it's such new, uncharted territory that Devi doesn't know how or what to feel, and so she just does what she does best: pushes it down. _Dr. Ryan would not be proud right now,_ she thinks to herself. But she doesn't see her anymore, and even though Devi learned a lot from the time she spent breaking down her emotions in the Dr.'s office, she knows that now is not the best time to try it again, especially because she needs her head as clear as she can get it for the day.

Instead, she just observes Ben. His right-hand lays on against the windowsill, fingers drumming against it anxiously. His left hand is resting on his thigh over his navy slacks, and Devi can't help but admire his fingers, strong, yet gentle and smooth. She's starting to think she's being a weirdo by staring at his fingers, out of _all_ things, when they slightly begin shaking. Devi looks up at the set of his jaw, which is clenching and unclenching and suddenly realizes all too well what's happening; she's seen this look on Ben before.

"Hey," she says softly, reaching over to cover his left hand with her own. "You nervous?"

Ben looks at her, down to their hands, then back up at her, and attempts a confident smile.

"You wish, David. I'm good."

Even as the words leave his mouth, Devi knows he's lying, because he doesn't want to admit he _is_ nervous, maybe just a little. Devi hates that boys, men, any member of the male species are _so_ bad with their emotions as if they can't say their true feelings upfront so they always have to say the exact opposite, but she also _knows_ Ben, knows the way he is and the way his gears turn, and she knows she needs to be there for him right now.

"Ben, you _got_ this. We both have tired over this account for such a long time, planning and organizing our ideas. All we have to do now is just get in there, say them, and leave," Devi says, hoping he catches the warmth in her voice, knowing even though she said _we,_ that today is really a lot more on him than her.

He doesn't say anything for a little, just staring at her face, and Devi keeps smiling at him, hoping he senses the confidence she is trying to exude. Just as she starts to worry she didn't say the right thing, he breaks into one of his prize-winning smiles, his _real_ smiles, and she finds herself able to breathe again.

"Thanks, David," he replies, and she nods and turns to look out her window, observing the buildings flying by while her thoughts begin to run away from her.

Until she feels the unmistakable _flip_ of Ben's hand, and the closing of his fingers, holding her hand properly. Devi freezes, having forgotten her hand was still resting on his, and waits for a few minutes before darting the corner of her eye to the man sitting next to her. He is still looking out the window, but the expression on his face is a lot more serene, at peace. She looks back out her window, and neither one moves for the rest of their drive.

* * *

"An I Love NY t-shirt? Are you _kidding_ me right now, Devi?"

Devi groans and rolls her eyes. Their Investment Banking proposal had gone off without a hitch, Ben and Devi both a lot calmer after their car ride, and successfully managing to impress their clients. While Ben insisted that it was their matching outfits that led to their success, Devi knew better. She didn't want to admit it to anyone, of course, but Ben Gross _was_ smart. In an annoying, casual, nonchalant kind of way, for sure, but he was smart. _And he ought to give himself more credit_ , she thought. But while Ben had been perfectly charismatic and confident during the proposal, he was now back to _pissing_ her off.

"I was buying her a gift last-minute, okay? I panicked and just thought it'd be a funny gag gift kind of thing," Devi tries, folding the T-shirt.

"Oh, it'll be a gag gift, all right, because she is _literally_ going to gag when she sees it. You live in New York, a city _centered_ around shopping and fashion. What about something from the new Coach Chambray Collection or one of the latest Dior perfumes? I'm sure Nalini would have liked those things a lot better," Ben quips back, watching her try to stuff the T-shirt into a way too small gift bag.

Devi pauses momentarily and narrows her eyes at him. They were about to leave to go surprise Nalini, and although she didn't know they were coming, Devi knew better to show up at someone's house empty-handed. She was never sure if that applied to her _own_ house, of course, but she decided to just play it safe. She _had_ originally planned to buy her mom perfume, which was the reason for the small gift bag. However, given only two days to pack for a week-long trip, and having to buy a bunch of new outfits due to Ben's annoying insistence on matching ( _and your desire to impress him with said outfits_ , her brain tells her), she ran out of time to search for a perfume her mom would like. So, spotting one of the street vendors she usually avoided, she had quickly paid for a shirt, knowing her mom would probably laugh at it. _It could be a joke between them_ , she thought. And she could always make it up to her mom by getting her something better the next time she visited. But Ben didn't need to know all that.

"She's _my_ mom, Gross. I'm sure she'll like _whatever_ I give her," Devi retorts and instantly knows she messed up by the way Ben's face falls. Because how could Devi forget Ben's consistently absent parents? All the times in high school, and even college, that he would come over to her house to avoid being in his large, loveless mansion. And suddenly Devi was mad, _angry_ at Ben's parents for having such a sweet, intelligent son and never taking the appropriate amount of time to appreciate him. She knew the effort he put into catching the attention of his parents, by winning trophies, boosting his GPA, joining clubs and extracurriculars. And she also knew that they were literally in his hometown as well as hers, and he hadn't made one mention of his parents, knowing they probably lived in a 10 square mile radius of their hotel. And it made her feel like _shit_.

"I'm sure she will. I'm just gonna wait downstairs for you, Devi," Ben says, smiling tightly, and breezes out of her room before she can say anything. Her necklace suddenly feels startlingly cold against her skin, and she grabs it, regrets swirling in her head.

* * *

" _Devi? Ben?"_

Devi isn't prepared to see her mom's face again because even though it's only been two months since she saw her last, being back in her childhood home, in her mom's arms, makes her feel like a kid. She feels like it always will make her feel that way.

"Hi, Mom," Devi sighs happily, while her mom squeezes her in a hug before she can even step foot into her house.

"You didn't tell me you were coming, _kanna?!_ " her mom reproaches while pushing her away from her to scan her up and down. Devi knows it's an empty threat, especially because there are tears shining in her mom's eyes. "You look like you haven't been eating Devi; I know you work too hard at that Wall Street job of yours."

"She sure does, Ms. Vishwakumar," Ben says, warmly, looking at Devi, and Nalini releases Devi to hug Ben.

"Ben, I told you to make sure to check up on my girl. Just because you both are older now doesn't mean you can't look out for each other," Nalini says, warningly, but Ben just laughs and hugs her back.

"You know I try, Ms. Vishwakumar; I even buy her a croissant every day," Ben says, continuing to smile at Devi over Nalini's shoulder.

Devi glares at Ben, because they both know that croissant does not end up in _her_ belly, and glances at her mom.

Nalini seems to realize they are still outside then, because she ushers them inside the house, saying: "Come in, come in. Kamala and Prashant are here visiting, so it's perfect timing."

Devi's eyes widen when she walks into her childhood home, scanning the walls for what's different and what's changed in the few months since she's visited. Her harp is still in the corner of her living room, and before she can eye it fondly any longer, she spots Kamala and Prashant sitting on the couch, and in Kamala's arms, a light pink bundle.

* * *

Of course, she _knew_ Kamala had a baby. The year she had graduated college, Kamala and Prashant had moved back to India and gotten married there a few years later. Just as she had started working at Morgan Stanley, Kamala had gotten pregnant, so in between her busy work schedule, she had tried to find time to call her cousin, who talked her through the various battles of pregnancy. Then, when Kamala had her baby, Devi had been barraged with an endless slew of baby pictures, videos, and cuteness. She _knew_ Kamala had a baby. She had just never met her in real life.

" _Devi!_ Oh my god, it is _so_ good to see you!," Kamala stood and handed the bundle to Prashant, and walked over to hug her tightly.

"Kamala! I had no idea you were in L.A.?" Devi squeezed her back, over the moon about seeing her cousin unexpectedly.

"Yes, we weren't planning on making a trip, but Prashant needed to come back to wrap up a work thing, so we planned last minute and here we are," Kamala said cheerfully, releasing Devi.

Prashant worked in IT, out of India, but occasionally did come to L.A. because that's where his company's headquarters were located, but his trips only lasted less than a week usually, and he rarely brought Kamala with him, so Devi doesn't feel that bad about not knowing they were in the States. She just thanks her amazing timing.

Devi and Ben both greeted Prashant, and Nalini shooed them into the living room so she could make tea for all of them. Kamala and Prashant sat down next to each other in chairs, insisting Ben and Devi take the couch. Conversation flowed quickly between the four of them, but Devi couldn't help but notice how perfect Kamala and Prashant seemed for each other, the way they leaned into each other slightly, and made eye contact when certain memories were mentioned, reveling in private jokes and thoughts only they seemed to know.

"Do you want to hold Aisha, Devi?" Prashant's voice distracts her from her thoughts, and she smiles, getting up to hold her niece.

Aisha is hiding in a pink bundle, so all Devi can see is her face, but the second Devi looks at her, she _knows_ she is in love. Devi cradles the baby in her arms, trying to inhale as much of the beautiful baby smell as she can before she has to give her up, and while the other three continue talking, Devi feels as if she's in her own world, just staring at Aisha, with the baby staring quizzically back.

Devi feels a hand on her waist and jumps before she hears Ben's voice.

" _Relax_ , Devi. It's just me. God, you are _so_ tense. What if you had dropped the baby?" Ben quips teasingly, peering over her shoulder to look at Aisha, with his lips close to Devi's cheek.

"I wouldn't have jumped if you hadn't suddenly _grabbed_ me, Gross. And besides, who creeps up on people who are holding babies?" Devi says back softly, gently rocking Aisha so as not to upset her.

"It's not my fault I've mastered the art of treading lightly," Ben continues, while bringing a finger up lightly tap Aisha's nose. The baby giggles and Devi rolls her eyes and laughs, while she hears Ben chuckle in her ear.

Devi turns her head slightly to look at Ben, and although his smile is still directly towards Aisha, she feels his eyes shift upward to meet hers. Devi suddenly feels as though the entirety of the world has been sucked out of the universe, except her and Ben, right here, _right now_. All she wants to feel now is this moment forever. She wishes she had one of Dumbledore's Pensieves, so she can pull this memory out of her mind and dump it in, and come back to it whenever she wants. Devi imagines this exact scenario, five years later, but with Ben's kid. And all of a sudden, memories and hopes come hurtling towards her, situations she doesn't know she wanted to happen.

_Devi and Ben, bantering while she's pregnant, him letting her win the arguments._

_Devi and Ben, arguing over the decorations for their child's nursery._

_Devi and Ben, watching their child win first place at their school's spelling bee._

Devi feels herself moving through space and time, living the rest of her life with Ben, and when she's asked people in the past what love has felt like and they have responded "You just know," Devi has always scoffed in their faces. But now, Devi just _knows_. That Ben is what she wants. That she could die at this moment and be happy. That she knows him and he knows her and she doubts anyone will _ever_ know her better.

She is blinking back tears when Kamala grabs her hand, insisting on showing her a plant, and she gives Aisha to Ben, allowing herself to be pulled into the backyard, still feeling like sounds and space around her are moving a lot faster than her body, as if she is in the slowest of slow motion.

"Devi. Devi!" Kamala calls out to her, and Devi struggles to bring her eyes to Kamala's.

" _Devi_ ," Kamala says softer, gently cupping Devi's chin to elevate her gaze, "What's wrong?"

Devi thinks about how stupid that question always has been because whenever someone asks it, it always has the ability to make the person feeling bad somehow feel 100x worse. It's like when you're about to cry, and someone asks if you're crying, and you just start crying harder. There are _so_ many things wrong right now, Devi thinks to herself, but she can't tell Kamala everything, so she tries to focus her on telling her everything while saying the least amount of words.

"I'm in love with him, Kamala," she says, choking, and looks away from her cousin's searching gaze, eyes landing on the window into the house.

Ben is laughing, throwing Aisha up into the air and catching her (which always spiked her anxiety like crazy, because _really_ , who thought that was a smart idea to do to a baby), and Kamala, following her eyes, nods like she knows exactly what Devi is talking about.

"Have you told him?" Kamala asks.

"I can't," Devi responds, still choking on her words, begging Kamala to understand the implication.

_I can't because he would be weirded out._

_I can't because it would mess up our friendship._

_I can't because I'm scared he might say he feels the same way._

Kamala smiles back at Devi, somewhat sadly, and pulls her into her arms. Devi lays on her cousin's shoulder, suddenly feeling like _she_ was the baby in the family.

* * *

Devi lays in bed, staring at the hotel's expensive fan, studying its design, mainly unable to fall asleep. Devi and Ben had spent a large portion of their day at Nalini's house, Devi mainly afraid to be alone with Ben again. Of course, Nalini didn't mind as she set out tea for them to drink, then immediately began making dinner for them, over the moon that her daughter was spending the day with her. Devi thought back over the events of the day, and they twisted her heart as fresh memories crept into her brain, recently formed.

Devi leaning against the kitchen island, watching Nalini explain the difference between mustard seeds and sesame seeds to Ben.

Ben joking with everyone at the dinner table, eating the Indian food Nalini prepared with ease even though it still definitely had spice in it.

Devi playing her harp for the family after dinner and looking up to find Ben's eyes meeting hers, full of adoration and respect.

Ben holding Aisha while she was sleeping, leaning forward to kiss her forehead lightly.

Real memories, not the hopeful ones that flashed through her mind earlier, but somehow ones that still felt so dreamlike. It was all too much, all at once, and Devi turned off her light and shut her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks guys :)) <333


	5. sherman oaks and drinking games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello loves im back with another chapter :) tbh wrote this one super hurriedly but im now done with finals and over the moon about it so yeah thats that. the next chapter will be the last one so im sad about ending this fic but hoping you guys are happy with how it turns outtttt, enjoy!

Devi stared at the all too familiar entrance of Sherman Oaks High School, not wanting to believe she was _actually_ back here. After their Thursday morning meetings ended (tedious wrap ups regarding closing the deal, executing the account, and other receptionist things Devi strongly felt did _not_ need to take her whole morning), Ben had rented a car on their company card, convincing her they needed to visit their old high school.

"Are you serious right now, Ben?" Devi, mutters, as they walked in to the office to wait for classes to end for the day.

" _Yes_ , Devi. Of course I am. But don't worry, it's gonna be fun," Ben smiles back at her, resting comfortably in one of the office chairs.

"I really don't see the fun in coming back to a high school we attended 10 years ago. Plus, only losers visit their old turf," Devi says, still annoyed.

" _Hey,_ this is the place we had all our classroom battles, all those awkward teenage dances, literally everything happened here," Ben responds, sounding a tad offended.

Devi opens her mouth to respond but is cut off by the sound of the bell, signaling the end of the day-3:30 pm-and a bunch of teenagers rushing every which way. She looks around and is hit with a wave of nostalgia, sudden and strong, something telling her that maybe being back at her old high school wouldn't be as bad she thought.

"Come on, let's go," Ben gets up and offers her his hand.

" _Where_ exactly are we going?", Devi questions angrily, taking his hand despite her the mirth she forces herself to insert in her voice.

"You'll see," he says, smirking.

They walk down the hall and come face to face with the door of a classroom which _catapults_ Devi back to sophomore year. Ben pushes open the door, and they both walk up to the teacher's desk, where a brown-haired man sat with his legs propped up against the desk, wearing a blue beanie.

"Hey, Mr. Shapiro," Ben says, his smirk now directed at their former teacher. Devi shakes her head at Ben, but smiles back at their teacher.

"Ben Gross and Devi Vishakumar," Mr. Shapiro replies in awe, sitting up. "Never thought I'd see you two beautiful, chaotic souls back in my classroom. Certainly not _together_ , either." Devi watches his gaze lower to her and Ben's hands, hovering an inch away from each other.

Before he can get any ideas, Devi opens her mouth. "We work together. We're partners at Morgan Stanley, Sustainable Investing, and flew out to L.A. for the week."

Mr. Shapiro nods in understanding. "So if you work together, you guys must be signing deals left and right, huh? Finally got over that academic rivalry and put your intelligent minds together?"

Ben glances over to Devi and smiles, and she can't help but smile back.

"Yeah, we're a pretty good team for two people who used to hate each other," he pauses, eyes boring into Devi's, and she remembers the first time he said a similar line, back at her first Model UN conference during sophomore year. She laughs internally at the memory of her, Equatorial Guinea, nuking Ben, the United States. _God_ , what _was_ it with being back at her old high school? 

They spend an while talking about high school memories, listening to Mr. Shapiro regale them with tales of their rivalries, stories Devi is surprised he still remembers, and discussing the details of their work with him, filling him in the ten years that had passed.

Ben gets up. "I'm gonna see if I can find Principal Grubbs. I wanna ask her if she still has that picture of us giving our valedictorian speeches."

As soon as he leaves the room, Mr. Shapiro turns his steady gaze back to her, and she suddenly feels fifteen years old again, sitting in the wooden desk chair, about to get in trouble for saying she wished Nazis killed Ben.

"So, what's going on between you and Gross? You guys are giving me some real Marie and Pierre Curie vibes right now. Smart, intimate, ready to take on the world."

Devi lets out a strained laugh. "He does _not_ see me in that way," she says, before her eyes widen, realizing the wealth of that sentence. This was getting ridiculous. First Kamala and now Mr. Shapiro? Who was she going to tell next, _Ben_?

Mr. Shapiro looks at her, eyebrows raised, before sighing and leaning on his desk, closer to Devi.

"Devi, I did not teach you guys together for four years without picking up the ins and outs of your weird, tension-filled dynamic to some extent. And the fact that you guys still talk to each other ten years later, you're still friends, don't you think that says _something_?"

* * *

Devi and Ben sat next to each other on the hood of their rented car, still parked in their former school parking lot a few hours later, watching the sun begin to set. It's a lot later in the day now, because Devi was thankfully saved from answering Mr. Shapiro's rhetorical question by Ben coming back with a stack of photos and a grumbling Principal Grubbs, who raised her eyes at the sight of Devi and Ben together after years, and immediately barraged them with questions.

Devi now thinks about her former teacher's question. And for the first time in a _long_ time, Devi lets herself think back fully on Malibu. After she'd gotten home from spreading her dad's ashes, Devi had heard the voicemail from Paxton and was overjoyed. She began dating him shortly after, still pushing away the memory of Ben's kiss, attributing it to a mistake, as she always did. Devi and Paxton had broken up at the beginning of senior year, since they both committed to different colleges (Devi to Princeton, obviously, and Paxton to Brown for swimming). She had spent the majority of senior year with Ben, El and Fab, cherishing her time with her girls, and getting to know Ben better. Since then, they'd gone through college, girlfriends, boyfriends, breakups, and they were still here. Ten years later. Still seeing each other _everyday_.

She's pulled from her thoughts as she hears Ben fidgeting next to her.

"Do you ever think it's weird that we've known each other for so long?"

"What do you mean?" she asks carefully, keeping her gaze away from him.

"I don't know, it's like, so many things in our lives have changed, but you and I remain the constants, you know? It's almost _odd_ the way it worked out."

Devi blinks up at the sky. "Yeah. It really is, sometimes."

Ben looks at her, scanning her face. "I don't mind it all that much, though."

Devi turns to look at Ben, and immediately wishes she hadn't. She is hit with a _wave_ of emotions, because there's a million things she wants to say and ask in this moment. Ben's eyes are more expressive than she's ever seen them, but somehow, at the same time, more guarded. The beginnings of feelings of adoration, nostalgia, love? (she shakes her head, she _has_ to be imagining that last one) are visible, but she can see him pushing them away before she can get a good look.

"I do," Devi says, turning back to the sky. "Every time I try to think about my childhood positively, your huge, ugly face is always there, making me upset in some way."

Ben laughs at that, and hops off the hood, offering her a hand.

"Let's go. It's getting late."

* * *

Back in her hotel room, Devi is in the middle of packing for her flight the next day when she glances at the clock. 8:39 pm. She picked up some In-N-Out with Ben on the ride back, so she wasn't really hungry. Ben had left her on her own for a few hours, because they both desperately needed to pack. They had very early flights tomorrow (Ben at 6 am and Devi at 7 am, which means they probably needed to wake up around 4), so the quicker they were packed, the less they would have to do in the morning.

Her phone dings with a text from Ben.

_Hey David, you done packing? If not, sucks to suck because I finished a while ago. Just laying here watching some shitty reality TV now. 8:40 pm_

Devi laughs to herself, before rolling her eyes. Unsure of what to say, she types back a short message.

_Sounds exciting, Gross. 8:42 pm_

_Let's get drinks. I'll pay. Hotel bar in 20? 8:45 pm_

Devi almost drops her phone, not from shock at what he's saying, but because this sounds like a recipe for disaster. She just needed to make it through _one_ more day before she can run to New York and be in the presence of other people than Ben.

_They gave us a company card. You're not the one paying. They are. 8:46 pm_

_Oh shit, I actually forgot about that for a second. Now we definitely have to get drinks. 8:48 pm_

Devi sighed to herself, knowing why she was avoiding this interaction. The last time she drank alcohol with Ben Gross, she ended up grinding on him like a horny high school teenager at a house party. She tries to deflect one more time, killing herself for not being able to come up with a better excuse.

_Ben, we have an early flight tomorrow. 8:49 pm_

_Damn, Devi, never knew you turned into the Queen of Boredom. 8:50 pm_

Devi narrows her eyes and tosses her phone at her bed. She looks up, and finds herself staring back at her reflection in her wall mirror. She does look mad, but more importantly, she also looked tired. And Devi realized she _was_ tired, tired of this battle, running from him, running to him, the constant push and pull. And it was their last night in L.A. What did they really have to lose? _A lot_ , her brain tells her. She picks her phone back up, and reluctantly types out a response.

_Gimme 20. 8:55 pm_

* * *

Devi meets Ben downstairs after changing into a red tank top paired with a black skirt that was a lot more comfortable than their her work clothes. They head to the bar, and Devi is about to order when Ben turns to her, eyes sparkling.

"Let's do tequila shots."

Devi internally groans. "Ben, I am _so_ close to walking back upstairs right now."

"No, Devi. What? You're too much of a baby to do a few shots before a flight?"

Devi immediately switches from annoyed to determined, and she knows it's bad to give in to Ben so easily, but she _can_ hold her liquor, thank you very much, and it's rude of him to even insinuate otherwise.

"Bring it on, Gross."

* * *

After Ben and Devi get their salt, tequila, and lime, Devi looks over at Ben, glaring.

"I can't believe you actually want to do shots. I feel like we're slowly getting too old for them."

Ben laughs. "Maybe we are, but I came up with a game for us to play. It'll be fun, I promise."

Devi raises her eyebrows, knowing that's not the first time she heard those words today. And it didn't really turn out all that fun the first time, treading more on the line between enjoyable and confusing.

"Fine, so how's this game of yours gonna work?"

"Okay, so basically we're gonna see how well we know each other, right? So, I'll ask you a question about me-I'm going to answer on my phone-and you're gonna tell me what you think it is. If you get it right, I have to take a shot. If you get it wrong, you take a shot."

Devi rolls her eyes. "This sounds like the stupidest drinking game ever. Why can't we play something like we've done before, like Quarters?"

It's Ben's turn to roll his eyes. "That game is literally, like, the most college thing, ever."

"So is taking shots," Devi mutters.

Ben just ignores her and grabs his shot glass. "Okay, so I'll go first. What's my favorite movie?"

"Of all time or lately?"

Ben glares at her in the middle of typing his answer on his phone. "Almost got me there. Lately."

Devi smirks back. "Easy. Hobbs and Shaw. You said the Rock looked like, and I quote "every woman's dream" in it. Drink up, Gross."

Ben sighs, and dumps salt on his hand to lick it. Devi tries to ignore the way his tongue moves, but it's kind of hard to when she has no where else to look. He takes his shot and bites the lime, then turns back to Devi, eyes determined.

"Hit me, Vishwakumar."

Devi pretends to think. "Hmmm, okay. What was my favorite class in college? Ever?"

Ben looks thoughtful for a few seconds his eyes clear and he looks up at her.

"Power, Society, and Social Change. COMM 410."

"How the fuck do you remember the number?" Devi mutters, but Ben just smiles and gestures to the alcohol with his head. Devi downs the tequila, the burn down her throat uncomfortable and hot.

They go back and forth for a while, each trying to think of questions in hopes of tricking the other.

"Worst girl I ever dated?"

"Worst guy I ever dated?"

"Favorite brand of khakis?"

"Favorite Indian dish? And you have to say it right."

"Worst college memory?"

"Biggest inspiration, male _and_ female?"

"Favorite song lyric?"

"Craziest thing I've ever done on a whim?"

"Biggest insecurity?"

Devi jerks her head up at Ben. As the night progressed, she felt the tequila hitting her and her brain becoming fuzzier and fuzzier. Their questions had started out relatively light-hearted, but now, she felt like she was entering uncharted territory. _Ben's biggest insecurity_ , she thinks to herself, as she scans her brain. She honestly doesn't have a clue, and she doesn't want to say something and it be wrong, because that would be _insanely_ rude, so she just stares at Ben, eyes wide and questioning.

Ben is looking down at his khakis, pinching the material in between his fingers. He seems to understand that she doesn't want to answer his question, so he opens his mouth and says in a quiet voice:

"That I'm hard to love."

Devi's heart rate skyrockets, because she knows, _knows_ this isn't about her and her internal thoughts, it's about Ben's stupid parents, and probably has something to do with Shira too, but suddenly her mouth is dry and she doesn't want to say anything, afraid her confession will come falling out if she even opens her mouth

Ben turns his head to run his eyes along the bottles of the bar. "It's just stupid, you know? Because growing up I never had my parents there, and I know they were busy and stuff, but I always thought it'd get better when I got older. Like when I became an adult they would respect me, you know, and treat me better." He takes a deep breath before continuing, and Devi braces herself, because she can tell that this conversation is quickly taking a downward spiral.

"I called them right before I texted you, because some small part of me held onto some _stupid_ hope, and they told me they were home, but had clients over so I couldn't visit. Like, I'm literally sitting in the same _city_ as them, and they don't have time for me even _now_."

Devi opens her mouth to say something, but Ben barrels on, in the middle of what seemed like a tequila-infused rant and the beginning of a long overdue therapy session.

"And not even just my parents. Like, in relationships and stuff. I remember Shira and I were just a shitshow, but in college, I should've used that time to open up and try to date, you know? Like _you_ did. The only reason I hooked up with girls all the time was because I was too scared to try anything, to _commit_ to anything, because what if I did it all wrong? So I just played it safe. Sex, no strings. And it was fine, but I always felt kind of empty. Like I was never living 100%, like there was something missing."

Ben's voice originally holds a bitter tone to it, but by the time he's done speaking, he sounds resigned, and Devi knows a small part of him is giving up. Giving up with his parents, friends, maybe even giving up on love. But Devi is sitting right there, and she'll be _damned_ if she lets Ben Gross feel sorry for himself any longer.

"Ben," she says, assertively, making sure to meet his eyes, "First of all, you can't blame yourself for the way your parents were. They were shitty and didn't make time for you, and that's not your fault. You were literally the smartest, most determined kid in high school. It's not a fact of you being good enough for them. It's _them_ who're not good enough for you."

Ben blinks then, a few times, and Devi can see parts of him coming back slowly.

"And with Shira, honestly, I can't say much because I didn't know everything that happened. But I do know you treated her well, and she was the one who didn't see what an amazing person you are. It's her loss, really. But things will get better, Ben. It's not like _I_ met the love of my life in college, either. It's okay, because we all are just trying and learning, everyday. One day, you will meet the most amazing woman, who will make you feel happy no matter what you're going through, and spend the rest of your life with her. You have time, Ben. It's going to be okay."

Ben's face changes then, completely, and for a few seconds morphs into something she's never seen before. He looks at Devi like she's a prize he never got a chance to win, longing and filled with a touch regret. He leans forward a little, smiles softly, and takes Devi's hand.

"Come on, David. I'll walk you up to your room."

Devi and Ben walk side by side, in silence, down the hallway to her room. They stop by her door, and Devi turns to meet Ben's eyes.

"Well…..good night, Ben."

Devi turns around to open her door, and she has just scanned her key and pushed open her door when she hears:

"Wait, um, Devi."

Devi pauses, not quite sure what Ben is going to say, and not wanting to turn around to meet his eyes for fear of what shade of blue they are right now.

"Devi, that woman you're talking about…. what if I've already met her? What if I've known her my whole life?"

There are fireworks going on in Devi's brain right now. She _has_ to be imagining things. She doesn't want to run from this anymore, but her brain tells her _one last time_. She's not ready, she's not ready to confess and she wants to, her heart is telling her she wants to, but her brain is telling her _not like this_. So she walks in her room, and shuts the door in Ben Gross' face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading <333 
> 
> next chapter WILL be the last. also something else to note, it's not like devi doesn't want to tell him, she does, but saying it out loud is still hard for her, and that's why she avoids the situation. she's human and scared shitless in that moment, so she falls momentarily back into her old habits.


	6. confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello all, thanks for sticking with me through this and pls read the notes at the end!1!!!

Days and weeks pass, and before Devi knows it, it's been a whole month since her and Ben's L.A trip. Which is fine, really, because days are _supposed_ to pass. But the only problem is that she hasn't spoken to Ben since the day she shut her door in his face. They had separate planes back, and the next time she saw him at work, he just nodded his head politely and brushed past her, leaving Devi feeling like she just got stabbed in the heart. Devi didn't want to run from Ben anymore, but she was nowhere near ready to just come out and say her feelings, especially when she left things on such a bad note. So she finds a decisive medium: keeping her head down.

Devi dove deep into her work, working ahead on deals with New York and Texas, content with herself that the California account went well.

Today, she's working on researching the carbon emission rate of North Carolina, when she spies Ben Gross walking towards her cubicle. Grabbing a stack of papers she through, she pretends to look up a statistic she already knows.

Ben Gross stops at a cubicle just next to hers and smiles at the woman sitting there. Devi keeps her head down and takes notes on the report she just found as desperately as if she had just missed half of class and needed to write down everything on the board, all at once.

"So, Mindy, what have you been up to?" Devi hears the charming tone that Ben knows how to use _so_ well, and her grip involuntarily tightens around her pen, but she continues writing.

Devi can't hear what her coworker responds, but she hears Ben laugh, low and melodious. She narrows her eyes at her notes.

"I mean, but hey, that dress on you. Red is _your_ color."

Another buzz from Mindy.

"Come out with me tonight," Ben says to her, in that confident, self-assured, charismatic way that she _knows_ he uses to win girls over. "There's a salsa club not far from here."

Devi tries to focus on her breathing, she really does, but it's insanely hard because it feels like heat from her head has suddenly spread throughout her whole body. Not the good type of heat that Ben usually makes her feel, but the angry, confused, _hurt_ heat that lets Devi know that she is jealous right now. _And you have the right to be_ , she tells herself. Because salsa dancing was her and Ben's thing, even for just the one night she had him, and she knows he remembers the intensity of that night. The electricity, the spark that flowed through both of them, the way the moved in perfect rhythm with each other. Hearing him flirt with some other girl, propositioning her, with _their_ thing makes Devi angrier than she's ever been.

* * *

Devi works harder than she ever has, barely noticing as her coworkers trickle out, slowly, until she looks up and sees no heads in the firm. _Shit,_ she thinks to herself and glances at her phone. 7:45 pm. Normally, near 12 hour days aren't too uncommon for her, or for her overachieving colleagues, but she'd forgotten it was Friday and most everyone left early. Just as she stands up to pack her bag hurriedly, she hears a cough behind her. She turns and jumps, suddenly met with the azure, stormy eyes of Ben Gross staring right back at her.

"We need to talk."

* * *

Devi follows Ben into their office boardroom and flips on the lights. It's a big room with windows, most of the blinds shut right now, but the light floods everywhere, illuminating the room, filling Devi with an odd sense of uncertainty. Devi quickly crosses the room to sit on the edge of the large, walnut table in its center, perching herself on the edge.

Ben stands a few feet in front of her, hands shoved in his pockets, looking at the ground intently.

After a few seconds of silence, Devi decides to break the tension. "You brought me in here to talk, so talk, Gross."

When Ben doesn't move or say anything, Devi grows impatient. "What are you even doing here, anyway? Shouldn't you be on your date with Megan?"

"Mindy," Ben corrects, still staring at the ground.

"Yeah, whatever. Why aren't you there?"

"I canceled last minute."

"Wow, classic, Gross. Too afraid to follow through? Again?"

Ben jerks his head up now, anger in his eyes. "Excuse me? Are you seriously bringing up what I said in L.A. right now?"

Devi leans back on her hands, unable to fathom why she is being so rude to him. She _loves_ him, she knows she does, but the wounded part of her heart is twisting, _paining_ her, and she wants to shove it back in his face.

"Yeah, actually, I am. A lot of shit happened in L.A."

"Shit? L.A. felt like shit to you?" Ben asks incredulously, his voice rising.

"I mean, I guess it felt the same to you, since you came back here, and pretended like it didn't happen," Devi says, raising her voice as well.

"What are you even talking about? L.A. was just a work trip," Ben demands, stepping closer to her.

"It might've been just a work trip to you, Ben Gross, but to me it was-

" _What_? What was it?"

"It was the best fucking trip of my life!" Before she realizes it, Devi is screaming in his face, and she hates herself, detests herself for beating around the bush even now, because she is a smart, intelligent, modern woman, and she _should_ be able to just say what she feels, but with Ben, it is always so hard.

Ben doesn't soften, and if anything, just hardens instead. "Oh really, Devi? Because it didn't seem that way when you shut the _door in my face_ that night."

Devi is angry now, a spitfire, and she feels the remnants of sophomore year emotions coming back. The Malibu kiss, the swirling feelings it incited, the look on Ben's face when she told him she was dating Paxton. It's oddly similar to the look on his face now, but she barrels on.

"That was _not_ my fault. How am I supposed to react when you just spring something like that on me?"

"I didn't spring shit on you, Devi."

"Yes, you did-

"I've known for years, dammnit!"

"Known what, Gross? Known _what_?"

"That I'm in fucking love with you!"

"Well, _good_ , because I'm in love with you, too!"

Devi stares at Ben, similarly to how she did that day with Aisha, feeling as if the whole world had drowned out and it was just her and Ben, living in that specific moment. But this time it's different, because it actually _is_ just the two of them, and they are in love, and oh god, it feels so _good_ to be able to just think those words.

Ben has his hands wrapped around the edge of the table on either side of her thighs, and he is panting in her face ever so slightly, but before Devi could think about taking back her words, Ben leans forward and kisses her.

Contrary to the tension in their verbal argument, the kiss is soft, sweet, and drawn out, like molasses. Ben kisses her like he has all the time in the world, to cherish her lips and discover what they offer. He leans over her, pushing his body into hers slightly, and Devi can feel the brush of his belt against her bare knee, but it's the only thing she can feel other than his lips, and she needs more from him right now, needs all he can give her. Because she finally has him, and she _revels_ in that knowledge.

So, she reaches her hands out and grabs the lapels of his blazer, pulling him closer, and suddenly, Devi knows she is never going back. From this, she can't escape. The touch of Ben's mouth, the feel of his body under hers, he's _hers_ , finally.

Ben moves his hands and places them on her thighs, pushing down gently, and Devi inhales sharply. Ben looks and her and smirks while dragging his hands up and down her thighs, moving to kiss a spot on her neck, before biting down on it.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Ben questions, flicking his tongue over the spot on her neck before biting it again.

"I- _oh!_ -I wasn't sure if you felt the same way," Devi responds, breathing hard.

"Are you serious? Devi, I've been in love with you as long as I've known you."

The dynamic changes as the two make eye contact, the heat that disappeared when he first kissed her coming back again. Suddenly, Devi wants to show him just how much she loves him, just how much she wants him, wants to drown in his kisses, wants to _feel_ with Ben.

Devi pushes Ben's blazer off him, fisting her hands in his shirt to pull him closer, all while he's still running his hands up and down her thighs, covering more and more of her smooth skin every time. 

Ben pushes her blazer off her shoulders, scraping his nails gently up and down her forearms, and she can't help but shiver, because the touch feels _good,_ and she just wants more, wants him closer, wants to sear the memory of his body into her mind forever.

She pushes her chest against him unabashedly, because _really_ , what does she need to be ashamed of now? This is Ben, and he knows her inside out, knows what she wants. He seems to take the hint because he pulls away from her mouth and unbuttons her blouse, slowly, not breaking eye contact with her. Devi pants and tries to breathe normally, but the sensations are too much, the air is too much for her right now. It feels charged, and intimate and heavy, and Devi _cherishes_ it.

Ben gets her blouse off, and she holds his eyes while she plants her hands on both sides of his button-down, and _rips_. He chuckles, leaning forward to trace his hands from her neck to her breasts to her hips, settling there as he grabs her more possessively than he did when they were dancing.

"That was Ralph Lauren," he says, with not even a hint of malice in his voice.

"I'll buy you another one," she quips back impatiently, running her hands down his chest, feeling the softness of his skin contrasting with the hardness of his muscles.

She rakes her nails across his abdomen, and he gasps, pulling her body closer to his. He leans forward to dig his teeth into the top of her breast, smoothing his tongue over the mark he leaves there.

"No, you won't," he says, deftly unhooking her bra and settling his mouth back on her breast. His necklace scratches against her stomach gently, and the touch of it just amplifies the reactions to his ministrations that she's already having.

" _Yeah_ , no I won't," she admits breathily, and she can feel his mouth quirk upward against her skin. 

He pulls her closer then, kissing her, pushing his tongue against hers unrelentingly. Devi groans lowly into his mouth and wraps her legs around his back. He deftly places his hand under her ass and picks her up with one hand, using the other to unzip her skirt, before setting her back down on the table gently. He pulls off her skirt, and Devi is suddenly struck with the realization that they are doing this in their office of _all_ places, not in a bed or on a couch or anywhere else she imagined her first time with Ben would be. But things with Ben are never simple enough or expected, and that's what she loves about him.

Ben places his hands on Devi's thighs, and they're so big that his index fingers run along the edge of her panties, she gasps, bucks her hips involuntarily. Devi places a hand on his belt and pulls him closer, undoing his belt while the increased proximity only serves to _press_ his fingers against her cunt, and Devi gasps into his mouth.

Ben pulls back and looks down, smirking at the big wet spot on her panties, with pride in his eyes.

"Woah, feels like Niagara Falls down there."

Devi grumbles, pushing and then kicking his pants down, and she looks down because she can. She reaches forward to palm him through his boxers, and he grabs her thighs tighter, but she can't think of anything to say because he suddenly pulls her panties down, fisting them and throwing them on the ground. He bits the inside of her thigh and she wraps her hand in the silky softness of his hair, trying not to remember the night where his head was just a few inches lower than where it is now. He smirks against her thigh, and she knows he remembers.

"You were a dick for that night."

" _What_? How is helping a lady suddenly considered being a dick?" He trails his tongue upwards, and he's so _close_ to where she wants him to be that she quivers with want.

"You weren't trying to help me- _oh god,_ " Devi cuts off as his tongue flicks over her, exactly where she needs him to be. He pushes his tongue in and out of her, making strong strokes upwards, stopping just before her clit, and she hates that he knows her so well, that he can make her fall apart. She starts to think that twenty years of knowing someone will do that to you, but her mind corrects her that this _Ben_ , and he'd know her no matter what, even if they were born in a different life, that their souls would find their way to each other, wanting and yearning and _longing_.

Ben sucks his lips around her clit, and she moans, back arching up as she grabs the edge of the table as hard as she can. He keeps sucking, and brings his fingers up to push in and out of her. Devi mewls, so close to the end now, so close to falling over the edge, and when Ben gently bites her clit, she comes, falling forward and seeing stars, legs shaking out of control.

Ben gets up to lean his forehead forward, and she does the same, thankful for the support because she desperately needs it, desperately needs something solid so she doesn't' fall back.

"I've been waiting to make you fall apart forever, princess," he says, panting shockingly the same amount as her, hot, fast breaths mingling in each other.

It was at this point that Devi Vishwakumar had to admit to herself what she should have a long time ago: She stopped having control of her life the day she met Ben Gross.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so glad y'all have been here, sending me supportive comments. i've felt like i've discovered a lot about myself as a writer through this, and having support when you're doing something scary for the first time means a lot more than i could ever say. i am planning on writing more devi/ben bc they are my soft spot and my head is swirling with fic ideas, but they'll be a lot shorter. but for now, i'm just glad to give them the ending they deserved.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you all enjoyed!! if you could leave me a comment, it'd make me the happiest thank youuuuu


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